*scratches goatee* Yes, yes, it would indeed appear that I am male.
So. How does that work? Well, see, first a woman views my profile. Then she decides to message me. Then I post it online for the entire world to see. :P
But seriously, if you’re a guy (or, at least a straight guy), you’re not going to get very many profile views, and very few messages. This is true even for guys I know who I would consider both beautiful and eloquent. And, yet, I manage to hold onto the coveted red “replies very selectively” mark because I actually do get a lot of messages, though most of them are pretty lame and immediately get deleted.
So here’s my secret for how to drive more messages:
1) Get more profile views.I drive a lot of my visitors from being active.
a. I’m constantly online. Like, literally, 24/7. I have use an “auto-refresh” browser extension to keep me active on the site, so I will show up in each and every search someone runs of users who are currently online, no matter if I’m actually sitting at my computer or on my phone.
b. Of even greater importance is to take up as much real estate as possible on OkCupid users’ “Recent Activity” feed on their home page. What’s the easiest way to do that? Every time you answer a question (in the “Questions” section of your profile, obviously) you have the chance to show up in a lot of people’s activity feed. The key is to fill as much of that space as possible. For me, I continuously re-answer about 50 of the same questions for which I’ve written long (and occasionally controversial) explanations. So I’m constantly showing up on women’s activity feeds, and taking up a lot of space doing it. This, I think, is very key.
2) Have an actually interesting profile. Once someone has clicked onto your profile, you need to give them a reason to stay. I admit that my profile is long. Very long. Probably way too long. But I split it between serious analysis of social roles, politics, and certainly relationship theory (given that I’m, y’know, not interested in monogamy), and varying degrees of humor from lighthearted to biting sarcasm. There’s something that almost anyone can find interesting. I certainly can’t claim to be the master at profile-writing, but I think my personality shines through pretty well.
3) Be physically attractive. Yeah. Women judge us guys on our appearances, too. I’m fortunate enough to say that I’m reasonably attractive, in decent shape, and distinctive-looking enough to catch people’s eyes as they scroll through profiles, so that helps. If that doesn’t work, have an interesting enough main profile photo that you’ll get clicked on.
So, that’s my recipe for being messaged. No great secrets. Just a few interesting things I’ve figured out about OkCupid’s system. No doubt it helps being in an enormous metropolitan area with thousands upon thousands of active users on any given day. I have no recent experience on any other dating sites so I can’t even begin to comment on how they work, nor can I say how it would work in different geographical or cultural areas beyond my weird little sliver of Southern California.
BTW, I put that John C. McGinley GIF in my post way too early. I had to stare at his mug for the entire time it took to write this message. That fucker is definitely going to haunt my dreams tonight.
You are 100% right in part 1b. Answering a ton of questions will spam you to the recent activity feed of every woman in a huge radius and that is very key if you want to actually receive first messages from women. The last time I went through my questions and reanswered a hundred of them I wound up getting no fewer than four new ladyfriends out of it, including one that I eventually moved in with. They all messaged me first.
After about three weeks my flood of hilarious/offensive answers (my personal favorite: “Q: Will whoever goes through your belongings after you die be shocked by what they find? A: Depends on if they try to figure out what my violet wand is by plugging it in or not”) washing over their homepages abated and I’ve rarely had first messages from women since. I’ve found, though, that I generally go out with higher quality people if I’m the one doing the messaging, so I actually do my best to avoid answering questions these days.